Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
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1:48 am - Pumpkin, orange hair, and depression
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I really have only ever updated this for myself and I have been so busy, apparently the only time I have to update even for myself is 1:30 a.m. on a Wednesday morning when I took off work because I had a fever.
Good things:
*last semester of college for my MLIS
*applied for a job in house at Dallas Morning News
*Have a kitty for my birthday named pumpkin
Good/Bad things:
*orange haired nephew moved in. Good mostly, although he moved here because my mom couldn't deal with him. He and Kevin don't get along and I love him to death. Although Kevin sometimes sticks up for him in odd situations. Like not telling me about the time Brady had a cut and he thought it would be funny to write his name in BLOOD on the bathroom wall.
*Pumpkins claws actually give me rashes, but we got these plastic things for them so he can't scratch, and he gets to keep his limbs from being amputated by "declawing."
*with full time work and full time school and 120 hour practicum am too busy. But strangely, have gotten more stuff done around the house. I guess because I've been prioritizing. But then that is probably what weakened my immunity to things.
Bad things:
*marriage- it is much harder than I remember it from five years ago. And I'm even talking about the throwing the spaghetti sauce jar at the window when you find out he's cheating on you kind of stuff. This time it isn't cheating though. Its arrogance and laziness and general selfishness. He even admits he's a fuck up and then just sits there and fucks up some more. How much longer am I supposed to take this shit? It sucks hardcore. I swore this would be the last time and I would make it work, but I've babied, cajoled, threatened, cried, laughed it off, and nothing works on him. Absolutely fucking nothing. On top of that, 5 or 6 hundred dollars on a therapist for him that even made him more jerky.
*marriage- did I say marriage? because when I got my fever Monday night he had the nerve to say that I "always want to be babied" and then started groaning that he was sick after having limited contact with my fevered body for 30 minutes. So not only did I not have anyone to make me feel better, I also had thing next to me groaning that he was going to die because I germed him up.
*depression- I've always been a kind of manic depressive person that is able to hide it pretty well to people that do not know me intimately. But depression has come back with a vengeance and im not gonna take the pills or the alcohol in sufficient amounts to relieve the depression.
*Valentines day- Kev's friend Jarrod just reminded me on AIM. Kevin is opening his new anime store with his friend on Valentines day. They decided on that day. And they both thought it was funny I guess. Jarrod said it was probably Navin and Kevin's gifts to each other, so they don't have to be near their significant others.
God I am so whiny.
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Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
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11:46 am - Im getting married
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So Im getting married. I haven't said anything about it because I feel like it isn't even real. And I got into a car accident yesterday. Which sucks because I planned a driving trip honeymoon.
This is what I know:
My wedding is in less than two weeks.
When I got into my car wreck the woman I work with basically told co-workers that she wished I had died: "I'd like to wrap that car around her neck."
My other co-workers put a veil on my head with money attached today which is very sweet.
I feel like I don't deserve it.
But after the stuff I've been through with Celeste maybe I do.
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Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
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2:31 pm - Your not in Windows anymore Dorothy
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I can't stand it when people confuse operating systems with programs.
And changing the Windows controlled Alt-F4 is certainly strange. But oh well.
Except I am sure they didn't
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Thursday, December 4th, 2003
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1:06 pm - Philosophers
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This quiz f*in rocks (who said I had to use the right amount of stars?) I forgot who spinoza was and we certainly didn't learn about him in all 6 of the philosophy classes I took. I love Sartre and Aquinas though. It is strage that Jean-Paul and St. Augustine are only a percentage apart. Who knew that they agreed on things?!?!?
1. Spinoza (100%)
2. Aquinas (94%)
3. Jean-Paul Sartre (84%)
4. St. Augustine (83%)
5. Aristotle (70%)
6. Kant (70%)
7. Stoics (67%)
8. Jeremy Bentham (61%)
9. John Stuart Mill (60%)
10. Nietzsche (54%)
11. Ayn Rand (53%)
12. Plato (49%)
13. Ockham (47%)
14. Prescriptivism (47%)
15. Epicureans (43%)
16. David Hume (38%)
17. Nel Noddings (36%)
18. Cynics (30%)
19. Thomas Hobbes (12%)
current mood:  amused
current music: If you see Jordan--can't remember
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11:17 am - Food Woes
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So KJ has moved in so we can save money to get married. I am in this "penny pinching" phase which is really good, sort of. Tuesday night I went to reheat some Thanksgiving food. Kevin wouldn't eat it because it was "5 days old." He would probably have eaten it if it was 5 days old delivered pizza, but whatever.
I don't have a microwave. When I kicked my brother out for... well, everything... he took his with him. So heating something up is a challenge.
This sort of angers me. I know I should be confident enough to know how to stick homemade mashed potatoes in a pan and heat it up. I don't know know why I got scared. I thought it would taste different from before. In the end I added a bit of milk and it came out very nice. I pan fried the ham.
My generation and the ones after me need to learn about stupid little things like that.
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Tuesday, November 18th, 2003
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2:28 pm - T*R*O*U*B*L*E spells me
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I can't get over the fact that I am a chick that has a tendency to "over-love." Or over-anxiety-ize. He didn't call last night because he didn't get in until 2 a.m. argh. I know he loves me (because he asked me to marry him) but I can't seem to come to terms with it. Someone loves me, me,. ME...
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Wednesday, September 17th, 2003
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2:50 pm - New Dawn Fades
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Trying to be a good girl. Being passive aggressive myself instead. The "lets see if he calls me" attitude. When I know he sleeps during the day and works after I get off of work. But he said he would be with me every second if he could. :) Warm and fuzzies.
I got tickets to Hedwig in Dallas for Friday. And the Greek Festival on Sunday. And six flags on Saturday. And only Friday I had to pay for!
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Friday, September 12th, 2003
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9:26 am - Have you ever wanted
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passive agressive behavior to dissapear? I've had to deal with it everyday. This morning? My co-worker took everything off my desk. Because that's not where it used to be before I worked here.
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Monday, August 25th, 2003
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6:25 pm - Book Horror
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I switched it. Extra shipping ($15) but they should come faster now.
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6:18 pm - Book Horror
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I ordered my books today. They aren't supposed to get to me for two weeks! WTF!!! Amazon.com sucks. I bought one at half.com. Two of them weren't available at bn.com so didnt order from there. Anyways, I hope that will be ok. I didn't get the lists until this weekend. Luckily, one of my classes doesn't have any books at all. :-)
current mood:  bitchy
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Sunday, August 24th, 2003
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9:08 am - Women's Expo
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Monday, August 18th, 2003
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4:24 pm - Books are wonderful
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I read most of "As You Like It" today. I almost laughed out loud at the part where Rosalind is so worried whether she is good looking in her boy clothes. I bored myself to death reading the "all the world's a stage" part. People shouldn't take anything longer than a sentence or two out of context.
I should be reading from my new school book list, but I haven't bought any yet because I am waiting for my money. They said they are sending the check to me Wednesday. Yea!
I bought a kitchen table yesterday, but didn't put it together - partially because I needed an Alan wrench and partially because I was just being lazy. Renting movies sounded like so much more fun. So I watched "the madness of king george" and "marriage on the rocks" with Kevin. He wasn't too happy about either of the choices, but I bought him tagamet as a consolation prize. :)
I have a headache, mainly from lack of sleep, but thats ok. I kept myself busy while I was awake. ;) NOT THAT BUSY, but busy...
Book List for two of my classes...
Here are the books for Information Professions:
Turabian, Kate L. 1996. A manual for writers of term papers. 6th ed.
Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
Plato. 1986. The Republic. Translated by Benjamin Jowett. Buffalo, New York: Prometheus Books.
Abbott, Andrew. 1988. The system of professions. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
Adler, Mortimer, and Charles van Doren. 1972. How to read a book. Revised and
updated edition. New York: Simon and Schuster.
This is the book for Information Storage and Retrieval:
Taylor, Arlene. 1999. The Organization of information. Englewood
current music: "Tomorrow will never be the same again" Jibe
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Friday, August 15th, 2003
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4:42 pm - Booked Orders Report for the week of 8/17
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I am afraid of being in love. I know that sounds strange, but honestly. I feel so in love and then I have nightmares about every ex I’ve ever had. All of these nightmares are screaming “You don’t want to do this again!!” But it has already happened. And I am already in love. In love with his personality, not his body, which is an interesting change of pace. The strange thing is I am wondering how long it should last and how much time should I invest? He doesn’t have a high school degree even… does that make me a snob for at least wanting that? I don’t feel like he is stupid though, the way I would with probably anyone else. He is definitely not stupid. Maybe he isn’t going to read Plato’s Republic any time soon, but he seems to sense things. Or maybe I am attributing something to something that doesn’t exist.
Scott really let me believe things that weren’t necessarily true between us, because it served his “someone to have sex with” goal. And James was just awful. Emotionally abusive to extremes, and then stealing all of my stuff when I wouldn’t take him back. Sean was just too much in his own world, in his own needs and not wanting to deal with mine. Although to be fair to him, I didn’t want to baby him as much as he needed, and I knew that qualification when I married him.
current mood:  working
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Thursday, August 7th, 2003
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5:26 pm - An update
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When you don't have a modem connection, doing something like an online journal can be a bit tough. And then when I finally got some access to the internet, it is only at work. But I am working on it. I've moved and am set up to go to school. My classes are going to have online discussions so I will have to be a participant.
Scott recently started hitting on my stepsister. Or something. At least he is calling her and not talking to me anymore. Which is ok, because the last time I saw him, I think he realized I wasn't "helplessly devoted" to him anymore. And his fragile ego needed a pump me up from a teenager. Whateva...
Have been dating some other guys, but don't know where anything is going or if anything is going in any of the cases, mainly because I am having such a hard time making up my mind about things. I so want a boyfriend but at the same time I don't want to lose my sense of individuality that I just got back.
current mood:  blah
current music: (in my head) Blue October - "I will keep calling you"
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Friday, February 28th, 2003
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11:54 am - Perchance to dream
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Made up in a star trek costume so people can "play" at being on a starship. D kisses me.
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Monday, January 20th, 2003
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9:27 pm - The pond
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The dog followed us all the way to the little pond, crossing across people's yards, hoping they aren't too mad. They didn't live around here when I was a kid, the field barren and unpopulated by trailers. So the dog and Brendan try to keep up, his little boy legs and chest not up for a short walk outside on a wonderful day. But he definitely thought it was worth it when we got there. Brady started throwing rocks in and the dog trained in with its blue eye and brown one on the splashes. I hate dogs usually, but this dog was so fun. I wonder if all dogs fetch and are generally non smelly? I guess my opinion of them would be different if that was the case.
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Saturday, January 11th, 2003
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8:02 pm - Out of the Blue
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Diedre called and told me that Bowling For Soup had been nominated for a Grammy, which is v. cool, and I tried calling another friend and their phone number is disconnected. Which I know is not personal, but it hurts all the same.
Chik Fil A has the coolest music: Matchbox20, Tori Amos, Alanis Morrissette, etc.
Haven't listened to Tori in a long while. It was nice.
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Friday, January 10th, 2003
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12:41 pm - Proud to Be An American
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listening in my car on the way to work; the scanner scans music too fast, and i don't want to stop on a song I don't recognize. A country station pops up its signal and the tuner stops - it sounds so familiar. I hit the scan button so it won't turn my song i sleuthfully discovered. And then I realize its a song I sang in front of people when I was a little girl:
proud to be an american
cuz at least i know i'm free
and i won't forget the men who've died
and gave that right to me
and i'll glady stand up...
next to you and defend her still today
cuz there ain't no doubt i love this land
god bless the USA
Well I only sang it once in front of a crowd. Nervous, stuck with the boys because my voice was lower than the other girls, in a dress. At a time when my mother still went to events like the PTA; they were important then. I don't go to PTA events, but at least I have an excuse - I am working. I remember singing with all my bravado, chutzpah and begin to sing along to this song - about a country that i no longer recognize blindfolded by a Orwellian dim future - and tears stream down my face.
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Wednesday, January 8th, 2003
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6:47 pm
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It was like a goodbye thing. The first time a goodbye thing? And I told three people. And a month later he is mad, not mad enough to truly tell me what is wrong, but i know it. One of those people must have told him that they knew. Which I really don't care (because they were my friends and i had to tell someone because i don't want to be ashamed of who i am), except now we aren't friends and if I had known that it would end our friendship, then I wouldn't have done the whole mess.+
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Sunday, December 15th, 2002
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8:28 pm - The good things in life
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And after a recent haitus off the computer (where I attempted to get a life beyond gigahertz and pixels) I will now present my SEVEN GOOD THINGS. On Wil's site he sometimes puts up lists of seven good things. And I am always so negative I will now try to be positive. Let us see how it goes, shall we? :)
1. Scott - I told him I loved him. He said, "Why didn't you figure that out ten years ago? We could be talking about this in bed and with three kids already" Which I think is romantic. I mean he is conservative and beyond my nephews I hadn't even thought about having three kids. That single sentence changed my mind. I am becoming so non-conformist feminist it is scary. I would love having babies. My hormones aren't supposed to be kicking in yet, I've got ten years for that...
2. Benjamin - He got into pre-school! He will be starting Jan. 7 and they are going to help him learn how to talk. All of the interviews and pains in the ass finally paid off.
3. Stacey - I don't really know if this is a good thing, but Ben's dad (yes with a girly name) actually came to see Ben and asked about starting the child support stuff. Now why he didn't do this three fucking years ago... but maybe...
4. Unitarians - We had a lovely Christmas party Saturday night. Presents and singing, and a 16 year old boy sort of hitting on me. God it makes me feel good when these young ones flirt with me. He thought I was 19. If I can age that well past 25...
5. My mother - who often is a source of annoyance and general indifference/petty arguments, wrote me a very nice christmas card that basically said she thinks its ok if I take off taking care of my sister's kids for awhile. Something nice for a change.
6. Lovely friends - I have gotten gifts this year for Christmas. I love it! One from a friend that works at B&N, and another from work. Neato. And a v. nice friend, Brian, that I went to go see Nemesis with today. Brian, who has stayed friends with me, even after all the weirdness at the beginning of November.
7. Brady and Brendan - Playing the repeating game in the car with my other two nephews. And watching Nemesis with them. And for them being generally cool for a 6 and 7 year old. :)
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: lets get physical - olivia newton john
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